Current Threat Brought to You by


"True stories from true people"

I found that I had nothing in common with my call center coworkers until we united over the common bond created by our deployment of a ThreatMeter Office Companion in our care zone. We may not all speak English, or have Green Cards, but we can all understand TERROR!!
I used to think my wife was cheating on me with a Terrorist! But then I bought my first THREATMETER and realized that she was just out jogging!!!!!! Thank you, THREATMETER, for saving my peace of mind, and my marriage!!!

The other night, I had my groove on with a certain lady friend, and I just couldn't perform. I turned on Threat TV, it said "ELEVATED", and that's exactly what my Johnson did!!!!!

I'm a temp secretary for a large multinational corporation, and we recently installed a THREATMETER Office Companion in our lobby. You should see the looks of calm and bliss on the faces of visitors now!!!! They used to be agitated and sweaty, but now they happily gaze into the wall-sized THREATMETER behind my desk, like dazed sheep or clams, but not happy clams, just relaxed clams. Terror free clams. I'm getting hungry!!!!! Bring on the clams!!! Oh goody!
Maybe you should make a pizza box THREATMETER, with different toppings and garlic sauce, sort of hiding there in the cheese, or in one of those air pockets in the crust, or maybe in another box that comes free with every pizza, and people could say, "Hold the Anchovies, but not the THREATMETER!!!!!". Hey, that's a good one!! If you end up using that one, I want a slice of the dough (pun FULLY intended!!!!!!!!!).
I'm a porn star. The Mini-Threat THREATMETER is a great prop.

Time at the water cooler used to be a world of hurt, pick up lines flying like anti aircraft fire over the streets of Bagdad. Now I can safely ignore everything my co-workers say, comfortable that the information that really matters will always be close at hand.

Sometimes, after I smoke a bowl, I wear the "High" shirt and there's like a double meaning. My 'rents always ask "What's high" and I'm all... "The Threat Level" and they're all "Are you sure that's all?" and I'm all "Yeah..... naaaaaah". Good job 'meter dudes!!!!
In our house, THREAT-TV is always on!!!! My kids sometimes ask if they can change the channel to cartoons, and I always say, "Dammit, kids, how can you think about animated cats and pirates when the Threat Level could change at ANY moment!!!!". I'm just trying to be a calm and responsible parent. The $60 a month for THREAT-TV is a small price to pay for peace of mind!!!!
I saw your THREATLIGHT in action at the traffic intersection of Spring and Birch, and it made me feel super safe!!! I was in my car, driving to the movies, and the Threat Level suddenly changed to "Severe". I wheeled that car right around and nearly clipped a few old ladies with grocery bags. But who cares about scaring a few old ladies when there's Terror in the air??!!!!! Terror is certainly a lot scarier than bad driving, don't you think???!!??! Anyway, I drove home in a jiffy and hid in my underground Terror bunker!!! Whew!!!! Close call!!!! Thanks, THREATMETER!!!
Father-son time used to mean fishing, or baseball, or saying mean things about Mommy behind her back. Now that we have a subscription to THREAT-TV, little Billy and I just sit on the couch and stare. The suspense is great!!!! What's that old saying?? "It's better to be prepared than to be not prepared." Someone at THREATMETER must know that one, cuz they sure are prepared!!!
The threat is me.

Do YOU have a THREATMETER story you would like to share with us?????
If so, don't be shy!!!! Email your story to:

Include pictures!!!!



Copyright ©2004 : We Profit from Your Fear